Sunday 3 June 2012

The Trouser Question

Now you will have noticed that I don't wear trousers very often. I used to - all the time really, but skirts and dresses have been my preferred options of late.

In the spirit of not being a one trick pony, I though I'd break out of my Frock Block and try trousers and (oh Good Lord!) jeans!

                 And it's certainly made me realise why I prefer not to wear them. I look bloody awful, hahaha!

So have a look at these photos, which quite possibly should have been consigned to the Dustbin of Delete, and see what you think.

These trousers are mad! I found them on the half price rail in one of my local charity shops, they are Red Valentino, no less, and they cost £2. I bought them to sell really but couldn't resist trying them on. Eldest LB begged me not to wear them out and about, so of course I did.

                                                       Not quite so crazy in this side-on pose maybe...

... but full frontal shows the pattern detail on my crotch which looks remarkably like genitalia. A sort of Rorschach inkblot image of a tulip-as-penis and pink labia. You see it, don't you? It's like an invitation to my lady garden writ large. Actually most Rorschach inkblots look vaguely vulval (is that a word?) to me, which I suppose must make something of statement about my psyche!

                                                               And here's the tradesman's entrance.

                                               Littlest didn't seem to mind the fact that I looked insane. 

            So - no, I won't be wearing them again, I'm not really that keen on strangers side-eyeing my crotch. No, really.

Next up. A chilled-out lazy Sunday look, I thought. Boyfriend jeans and a hippy-ish top, that should be fine. And that Chinese silk waistcoat again, cos I like it.

See, I don't look so bad in this side pose, but front on, you can see how unflattering these jeans are. And to think I used to wear them all the time!

I can hardly bear to post this but for the purposes of making a point, I'll let you see how short and stumpy my legs look (and I'm 5'8" and wearing heels), and how the unsightly, badly fitting crotch draws attention yet again to my garden of delights.

I was determined to keep trying, so here's my final attempt at jeans.I only possess one pair of skinny jeans and have always thought they do nothing for me, but on the evidence of these photos, they are the best of the bunch.

                                                  How do other women make jeans look so cool and effortless?

 Excuse the blurry indoor photos, it's been so dreary all day, and I couldn't face dragging myself and the tripod outside in the rain again.

Joni talked here about getting her thinking cap on - I felt the need to do the same to find a solution to the how to wear trousers question...

                                                           ... though I fear the answer may be - just don't!

          I hope you appreciate that I make a fool of myself so you don't have to. It's all part of the service! No charge. xxxxx


Anonymous said...

Oh I don't know how to say it politely other than to say I can see what you mean by these pics. That comes from a place of love and honesty, not to make you feel more self conscious about the trousers issue.

I'm 5'8 as well and the best bit of advice I can give you with skinny legs is to always buy them longer in the leg and wear them with heels.

I'm sure you can and will have success with trousers it's all about fit and besides you look stunning in the jumpsuit you posted recently, half of that is trouser I'm sure you can make it work. X

Unknown said...

I LOVE the top pants!!!!!!!
I have a tough time with jeans and when i do jeans, i try to waer either men's, skinny legs with a tunic or i just found a great pair of flair i've been searching for for a while!
But rock those great colorful pants. I'd do them with a simple black top/tee and let the pants speak for themsleves! Great PANTS!

if you tire of them and they are a size large, i'll snag em right up ;)

Max said...

Whoa you look great in skinny jeans! Those other trousers are k-razy pucci-esq things. I would keep them tucked away for further child control purposes tho, you know, "do your homework or i'm going to wear my penis pants to your school play" type thing!
I live in trousers, and whilst im no style icon my advice is always to make sure theyre tight on the bum and hips and as long as possible, literally millimeter off the floor to keep you looking as long ss slim as you are. I imagine you as a coloured cords kind of trouser wearer, do give trou another chance (but never at the expense of the maxi mania!) x

Megan said...

Those trousers are glorious. Valentino is so cheeky!

The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

I think a lot of good jeans pics are all in the photo angle.
The skinnies defintely suit you but I would give the others a miss.

Rosemary the Shopper said...

You said it girl... why wear jeans if you don't have to. I have to admit the skinny jeans look the best, but there's no way I'm subjecting the world to me in a pair of jeans. What fits around the derriere leaves a gap around the middle that you could stuff your whole arm into. I know, I've done it. Tres unflattering, and really, there are enough women wearing jeans. The world doesn't need another one.

Much love,

Melanie said...

Bwa-ha-ha! Your witty self-crit... Those first pants are a dream scream. The little garden at your petunia is perfect! And I love how you have paired them with your Chinese vest.

Of course the Rorschach inkblots are vulvar-looking - if I woman had made those blots they would all look like man tools or household cleaning products.

I like you in both your pairs of jeans! I think the skinnies are sexy on you and the baggies are seventies. But I'm guessing you won't be investing in any more leg denim. Tra-la. Jeans are mainstream and you are unique and cool with so many excellent non-trouser outfits that sizzle. Why bother with them?!

Sara said...

That Chinese vest is all sorts of fantastical goodness! Love it! The Valentino pants are so fun, and you DO make them look fabulous. :D I cannot stop laughing at 'tradesman's entrance.' Haha

I feel the same way as you regarding jeans. I'm just not comfy in them..but I do enjoy the I try to hang onto the ones that actually work. I think you look awesome in everything..and the skinny cut look amazing on you, 'cause you've amazing stems! Love the jewelry! XOXO

Unknown said...

OK, here's my advice...

Your tradesman's entrance is super hot and I personally cannot wait to call the plumber! AND the electrician!

The only thing I can suggest to make those pants look any HOTTER is to carry around a huge fucking neon sign with multiple arrows pointing to your crotch... perhaps you could also hire a marching band with laser pointers to also point out your vulval zone! Because I would love to see more attention drawn to your delightful lady garden! In fact, I can't wait to come over there and have some picnics in your lady garden... hope the weather shapes up a bit! God save your vagina, my darling. And those pants.

The skinny jeans are fabulous too - but the fabulous labiapenispants are THE BOMB!

Love you more than tradesmen! Sarah xxx

Anonymous said...

I think you are rockin' the skinny jeans. I love the vest you're wearing in all the photos--but the Valentino britches and your description made me SNORT out loud! I suspect the second pair of jeans are just too big--but of course, one needs a pair like that for certain tasks around the house. So, what will the Valentino's bring on eBay?

Pull Your Socks Up! said...

Oh please Mrs Hot-Pants-Delicioso-Arse-Squeeze!!!! I'm dying here, simply dying with joyous, moistness in my lady loins!!!! Is it fate that I am wearing the frilly bloomers you sent me as I type this in the pathology (vampire) clinic? Yes they will suck my blood but not my soul - you are glorious and your vulval and tradesman's regions are so close yet oh too, too far away!!!!!! Valentino pants are YES and my fave other pants on you are the amazing black flares you wore ages ago - faaaaaaaark you've got legs to heaven baby and you can do no wrong on Planet Pants, in my opinion:))))). Love you gorgeous woman!! xoxoxoxoxxxxxx

Vintage Bird Girl said...

Hehe I love your description of the Valentino pants. I would hesitate to get rid of them because they are so funny. I think the second jeans would look fine if they were a bit more fitted. Love the skinnies on you. I have always lived in jeans up until the last year when the frock reined supreme. Now I feel kind of restricted & thick in pants. Xx

Vintage Sweetheart said...

Gosh you read my mind I had just decided to do a post wearing pants this week! Have no idea how to style them yet. Those fantabulous pants are hilarious. The skinnys look much better. I find it hard to get jeans that don't show plumbers crack. xxxxx

Anonymous said...

You are sweet to mention me! I have to tell you that a well fitting boot cut pant is so wonderful on you. As long as they're fitted in the thigh. I also really like the straight/skinny leg on you as well.

I was sitting here reading your post and my 13 yr old son came up behind me and said, "She looks like you." See, I told you! ;)

Definitely get rid of the "celebration of crotch" pants before your kids get older. LOL

The Style Crone said...

You are so witty! You have me laughing out loud and that's such a good thing. Actually, I think the Valentino pants are a riot and look fabulous on you. And also, the skinny jeans. But wear what you love! That's so much more fun.

mispapelicos said...

I don´t like trousers, but you make everything shine.

Vintage Coconut said...

I think those funky pants are BLAM AWESOME!
*SERIOUSLY* I have never seen anything like them.

You look sexy in your skinny jeans Curtise, wether you think so or not is entirely up to you (BUT HECK, BELIEVE ME)

Stacey said...

I love the vulval inkblot pants! The print is amazing, and those colours! I think a nice-fitting pair of trousers is harder to come by than a nice fitting skirt, or dress. I know I'm a lot pickier about buying pants than I used to be, but I wear the few pairs that I have more - probably because I won't buy them unless they're perfect!

Kitty said...

I'd so totally wear those print trousers!! But then that's me. The key to getting the pants thing right for you is getting the right length AND cut for your shape AND height. Having said that, I don't do denim or jeans at all, I reckon they're just bogus!!

Vix said...

Those Valentino trousers are obscene but totally and utterly fabulous, I love them, what a fabulous find. Threatening to wear them is a great way of getting the kids to behave!
I love jeans but they are so hard to get right. Those skinnies look brilliant on you but if I was to get all Gok on you then I'd say to tuck them in your knee-high boots, girlfriend. You've got the legs for it and you'll look so sexy you'll be beating them off with a stick.
You couldn't look bloody awful in anything, you sizzling hot chick! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

citizen rosebud said...

I like you prefer dresses- dresses over everything, then skirts, then shorts and lastly pants. Pants don't feel as comfy or look as good. I have short legs- perhaps that's it? I dunno, but I agree the skinny jeans are the best on you. And me, in fact I will wear skinny jeans whether they are in fashion or not because a good pair of stretchy skinny jeans look and feel great. For a pair of pants.

The first pair should be sold- great gimmick party pants but they are LEWD!

Anonymous said...

I actually really like the first ones - you look really good in them! I think the first pair of jeans are too baggy - I like the last pair on you as they are more fitted. :)

Krista said...

Those pants make me wet! Sorry they do I think they are freaking amazing, and I love the crotch shot! I disagree too because I think they look killer on you, but look at how freaky I dress, what the hell do I know :) I think they are asstastic! Little LB is the sweetest munchkin ever! I also think you look great in jeans, both pairs and I'm not just saying this. Maybe I just like it too because it's different.

Now I want to spank you just cuz!

karensomethingorother said...


You know you've made MY day. Yeah, you knew that, didn't you, Curtise?

The top pants to me almost look like you're wearing chaps. I liked the skinny jeans though. You look so fabulous in frocks though. You should just leave the shlumpy denim to me.

Rose&Bird said...

Max's idea of keeping the mad trousers for child control purposes made me laugh - I'd totally do that!

The skinny jeans are the best of the bunch, I think. Like you I have short legs, although I'm short all over, so jeans never look that great on me. I'd be delighted to find the answer to the trouser issue!

Fiona said...

Well Curtise I must admit I agree wth the LB's verdict on the Valentino trews. I was just thinking that you looked like you had 'fanny foliage' when I read further and lol'ed at your vulval comments. Personally speaking I prefer the skinny jeans on you which look ace with the floaty top.
Even the crazy trews are better than a short top with leggings. Yeuch! Can't be doing with that 'camel's toe' thing. xxxxxxx

Unknown said...

Hi Curtise!

The first pants are mad indeed and the genitalia , yes i see wht you meant! Ha!,ha! Ha! OMG!
But i like you in the the last pics, i think the fit hou nicely, you are too hard on yourself girl!

But i prefer you in your gorgeous maxis!

Ariane xxxx

two squirrels said...

Oh you have fabulous legs Curtise!!!!
Wow the skinny jeans look great.
Amazing as ever.
Love v

Anonymous said...

I'm a Valentino vulval pants fan forever!!They look like a psychedelic gynecologic ultrasonography (it's a good thing) and they are stunning on you!!!Please don't get rid of them!!
The skinny jeans look amazing on you too, you have such a great body and even if I adore your dresses, you should show your stunning legs more often!!I love this post, it really makes my morning!!
Lots of kisses xxxxxx

Unknown said...

Im sooo with you on the jeans thing. I have one pair of jeans that i love and that look lovely and highlight the right areas. But i have to say the skinny jeans look great on you over here they tuck them into boots it draws the eye down which is a good thing i say. dee xx

Forest City Fashionista said...

So, yes, those "garden of earthly delights" pants are rather disturbing and I agree, keep them to threaten the little ones with. I do think you look quite fetching in the skinny jeans though. I wear dresses and skirts so much more than I used to, and only wear pants if they have an unusual shape or fabric. I have to mention that I do believe we own the same sandals - the ones you are wearing with the Valentino pants are by the company "ART" are they not (I recognize the staggered wedge)? I have the same pair in shades of green!!!!

doradadama said...

Those flower garden pants are awesome!
I say cut them into daisy duke hot pants to show off your sexy Mama legs.
The jeans are way too big for you, i also agree your a skinny jean knock out. Your little one already posing like a model.
She so reminds me of you.

Jean at said...

I think skirts and dresses are soooo much easier!! Maybe that's why I almost always reach for them first, unless I'm going to cover them up with a long tunic or something.

I'm guessing that the perfect pair of trousers or jeans is out there for you. It just takes forever to find them, never mind affordable. In the meantime, you look gorgeous in your skirts and dresses.

OP SHOP MAMA said...

Those trou are madness! I have never seen such an interesting pair lol!!! You look great in the skinnies. Wish I had legs like you! x

lucy joy said...

There is little to add here. Hermaphrodite trousers and ill-fitting jeans coupled with your incredible wit equal the perfect blog post.
Dresses and skirts are for you,that's for sure. I struggle to find trousers which don't make me look like an egg on sticks.

Love your humour, it makes my day

Lucy x

lucy joy said...

There is little to add here. Hermaphrodite trousers and ill-fitting jeans coupled with your incredible wit equal the perfect blog post.
Dresses and skirts are for you,that's for sure. I struggle to find trousers which don't make me look like an egg on sticks.

Love your humour, it makes my day

Lucy x

Melanie said...

They are quite something those top ones ......

Lakota [Faith Hope and Charity Shopping] said...

I am lying here in bed with an upset stomach and you are not helping it by making me laugh so much!

Although they are truly insane and I agree with your commentary you really make them look a lot better than most people could manage. Same with the jeans - you look fine, but why be fine when we know you can be fabulous!

(You do really have to keep them though, they're genius)


Dawn said...

I love the funky vulva pants on you as you are built so beautifully woman. dawn suitcase vignettes xo

Miss Simmonds Says said...

oh blimey, ebay the trousers and hopefully they'll go to someone who doesn't mind their special areas being advertised in such a fashion!

Jeans are dull aren't they? I used to live in them but now it feels like such a waste not to be wearing something fantastic and girly. That said I reckon you'd look amazing in giant flares. and if the jeans are boring, wear some fab shoes with them. Look out for some 70s flares in any colour and I think you'll look amazing! xxxx

No Fear of Fashion said...

Funny post. I laughed a lot. And you are right about a lot. But about the jeans you always used to wear and now look bad: our eyes have adjusted to another silhouette ( the skinny). That is all.