Pants. But no pants.

Today I am posing one of life's great unanswered questions...

Why is it that I can find umpteen dresses and skirts which suit me and fit me perfectly, but not a single pair of jeans?


Yes, I have returned to the vexed question (for me) of pants!

As this blog tip-taps its high-heeled way towards 200 posts, these photos represent my infrequent, but frequently hilarious, forays into trousers.

Please note the piece de resistance, and cause of the large hanging labia search term, my much-commented-upon Valentino trousers.

I can't resist including these babies, the photos make me laugh every time I see them!

Sorry - wearing this print emblazoned on one's crotch is inappropriate because...?

Moving on...

My blog pal, Mrs Secret Squirrel, who wears a pair of jeans better than most, is having a No Trousers week (nothing to do with me bullying her, honest...)


I am returning the get-out-of-the-comfort-zone gesture by having another go with some trousers.

These Giant Pants* are made from a very lightweight viscose, like a muslin or a voile. I bought them for £1 in a charity shop last year, thinking they would be great to wear in summer.

I need to take them in at the waist and up at the hem, so they actually fit and I don't trip over them...

I think I like them because they are so wide-legged, they look like a skirt!
Look how unintentionally similar these outfits are.

Giant pants, belt, bangles and hat - charity shopped

1970s scarf - jumble sale

Top - street market

Boots - Ebay

Clutch bag - gift from dearest Joni 

*Check out Amber's affection for Giant Pants here and here - and thanks for the turn of phrase, Amber, it has entered my vocabulary with gusto!

I spent some time trying on the trousers which remain in my wardrobe, and also trying to be objective about what works on my shape and what doesn't.  

I am in disguise.
You'd never know it was me, would you?

Ahhh... the ubiquitous skinny jeans.

Sorry - jean.

(How could I forget the true fashionista's love of the singular?)

I don't think this style does my legs any favours - a wide leg skims over my sturdy thighs in a more flattering way.

Please note - I am not indulging in body hatred or suffering from low self-esteem related to body image. Just trying to be thoughtful and honest about why I love how I look in some clothes, less so in others.

Happy to show off my thighs and backside in these outfits, for example!

Exhibitionist? Moi?

I think the other issue for me is that most trousers are rather too crotch-defining. And I don't like this.

All those wrinkles, I feel my eyes drawn to my own crotch in a most unseemly fashion!

(God knows what search terms will bring disappointed readers to my blog now...)

Jeans - retail, at least 10 years old

Blouse and huge sunglasses - charity shopped

Hat and Chinese silk waistcoat - Ebay

Scarf - flea market

So having tried on, and looked, and considered, and reasoned - I am getting rid of most of my trousers, apart from the wide-legged ones.

Pants....

I know - dealing with the Really Important Issues today, folks.

Is there anything you have decided doesn't work for you?
Can you tell me why?

I'm fascinated!

xxx

Follow that camel

So you want to know another pet peeve of mine? 

Sure you do!

All those lists of so-called essential items which every woman's wardrobe is apparently supposed to contain.

They are blithely promulgated as A Truth Universally Acknowledged, but I never feel that the choices have anything to do with me or my lifestyle.

 

Typical items? 

You know.

Jeans

White shirt

Black smart/dress trousers

Wrap day dress

Little Black Dress

Classic trench or winter coat

Blazer/smart jacket

Boots

Ballerina flats

etc.

...or similar. 

So here I am, trying to Obey The Rules, for once.

I do actually have a pair of black trousers and a white shirt, retained from my old working wardrobe. They are probably about 15 years old.

I had to add a bit of colour with the shoes. For my sanity, you understand.

I always swore I would never own a Classic Camel Coat. Never. Not ever.

But then I spotted this 1970s Alexon pure wool and faux fur number in St. Luke's charity shop on Saturday, and with Lucy and Ben's encouragement, I bought it, for £12. 

I have to say I do like it. It's a fabulously well-made coat, in brilliant condition, and I reckon the faux furriness lifts it out of the beige zone.

These fabulous ladies have managed to work a bit of beige/camel/tan/ecru/whatever-the-hell-we're-supposed-to-call-it, and look wonderful.

From top left, clockwise - Sarah, Dawn, Vix, Tine, Clare, Melanie and Judith.

Aren't they beautiful?

In Sheffield, we would say mardy arse. Look at the gob on that.

This next photo really made me chuckle. Not because I think I look that bad, just because the look is so un-me!

I felt more uncomfortable and conspicuous dressed like this that I ever do in all my colourful vintage clobber.

 Is that weird?

 1970s Alexon coat and red Mary Jane shoes - charity shopped

Gap white shirt and Kookai black trousers - from a previous existence

Jeans - Jasper Conran at Debenhams, at least 10 years old

Boots - Ebay

I suppose those annoying lists aren't intended for the likes of me. I'm a stay-at-home mum, I don't shop on the high street, and I have a penchant for vintage. 

And anyone who possesses a sense of fun, individuality, and a love of self-expression and colour doesn't need a list.

A top-and-tail-only version of camel was easy.

M&S wool hat, Hennes (pre-H&M rebrand) crochet dress and leopard print bangle - also charity shopped on Saturday with Luce
1970s scarf - jumble sale
Tights - can't remember
Leopard print T-bars - Ebay

Is there something you never thought you would wear but you'll give it a go for the sake of the blogging sisterhood? Can you show us? Go on, consider it a challenge!

And do you have your own list of essentials?

Mine would include maxis, boots, faux fur and colour/print!

Yeah, I'm wearing a camel coat and hat and I am not ashamed!

       xxx

The Trouser Question

Now you will have noticed that I don't wear trousers very often. I used to - all the time really, but skirts and dresses have been my preferred options of late.

In the spirit of not being a one trick pony, I though I'd break out of my Frock Block and try trousers and (oh Good Lord!) jeans!

                 And it's certainly made me realise why I prefer not to wear them. I look bloody awful, hahaha!

So have a look at these photos, which quite possibly should have been consigned to the Dustbin of Delete, and see what you think.

These trousers are mad! I found them on the half price rail in one of my local charity shops, they are Red Valentino, no less, and they cost £2. I bought them to sell really but couldn't resist trying them on. Eldest LB begged me not to wear them out and about, so of course I did.

                                                       Not quite so crazy in this side-on pose maybe...

... but full frontal shows the pattern detail on my crotch which looks remarkably like genitalia. A sort of Rorschach inkblot image of a tulip-as-penis and pink labia. You see it, don't you? It's like an invitation to my lady garden writ large. Actually most Rorschach inkblots look vaguely vulval (is that a word?) to me, which I suppose must make something of statement about my psyche!

                                                               And here's the tradesman's entrance.

                                               Littlest didn't seem to mind the fact that I looked insane. 

            So - no, I won't be wearing them again, I'm not really that keen on strangers side-eyeing my crotch. No, really.

Next up. A chilled-out lazy Sunday look, I thought. Boyfriend jeans and a hippy-ish top, that should be fine. And that Chinese silk waistcoat again, cos I like it.

See, I don't look so bad in this side pose, but front on, you can see how unflattering these jeans are. And to think I used to wear them all the time!

I can hardly bear to post this but for the purposes of making a point, I'll let you see how short and stumpy my legs look (and I'm 5'8" and wearing heels), and how the unsightly, badly fitting crotch draws attention yet again to my garden of delights.

I was determined to keep trying, so here's my final attempt at jeans.I only possess one pair of skinny jeans and have always thought they do nothing for me, but on the evidence of these photos, they are the best of the bunch.

                                                  How do other women make jeans look so cool and effortless?

 Excuse the blurry indoor photos, it's been so dreary all day, and I couldn't face dragging myself and the tripod outside in the rain again.
                                      

Joni talked here about getting her thinking cap on - I felt the need to do the same to find a solution to the how to wear trousers question...

                                                           ... though I fear the answer may be - just don't!

          I hope you appreciate that I make a fool of myself so you don't have to. It's all part of the service! No charge. xxxxx