Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Down to believing


Looking back, my last post seems elegiac. Unintentionally so, at the time, but there is an air of weary melancholy about it all the same, a sense of mourning and loss. 

I didn't know - then - that I would be absent for so long. Or that when I returned, life would have changed so much.


 I've composed this post repeatedly in my head. I didn't know how to write it, and still don't. So I'll try and keep it simple and brief.

Simon and I are in the process of separating. I'm moving out, the kids will live between both homes, and we'll do our very best to share their care and upbringing in a loving and decent fashion. (They seem to be doing OK, so far.)

 
On holiday in Crete in May

I confess to feeling daunted. 
I'm starting again, alone, from scratch, at 52. 
Fifty-fucking-two. 


On my birthday in June.

The To Do list runs over several pages and keeps getting longer.
 The logistics of managing the schedules and possessions of three kids across two households will be a challenge.
 My impending poverty is alarming. Church mice will be offering to buy my drinks.

It's a little overwhelming. 

 
Love - that elusive joker - seems a world away.


But...

I guess it comes down to believing.

Believing in the support of good friends, and the fact that I know that money doesn't buy what is truly worth having.

Believing in resilience, resourcefulness, and the possibility of new beginnings.

In my own judgement of my worth, and trusting the truth in my misshapen heart, scratches, scars and all.  


So I guess it comes down to believing, and whether we do or we don't.

And I think, I hope, that I do.

xxx
 
   

60 comments:

Melanie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Curtise, truly. You're right, money doesn't buy what matters, doesn't make the concept any easier though. Thinking of you xxx

Vix said...

You're back...with a bang!
You are tremendously brave and an absolute legend. Too many people bumble along, living a half-life and never being truly fulfilled. At 52 you're a mere whippersapper, hot stuff (phwoar,those legs!) and you deserve the life you're craving, full of fun, adventure and happiness.
It must have been so scary to tell the kids but look at them and the brilliant job you've both done raising them. they'll be fine with two homes and a pair of loving parents.
So good to see you back. Blogland's been a much duller place without you.
Love you! xxxxx
PS My round, name the place!

Melanie said...

First, I'm thrilled to see you again! Second, well, yes. You are such a life force here - so this must hold true out there too. Although things may feel rather raw right now, the dreams you've had simmering on back burners will start to flare - for that I am cheering. Vix has said it much better than I do. You rock, Curtise. We know it. xoxo

Fiona said...

Goodness Curtise, I am sorry to read this, but you are your own person and I know you will be fine.... (even at fifty fucking two!)
Those last few sentences express your feelings so eloquently and believe me, I do understand. A new and different life awaits...go grab it by the balls, girl. xxxx

Sheila said...

Wonderful to see you (and love your birthday outfit - are those leather shorts??), but so sorry to hear of your separation. We're all here for you, Curtise! You're strong, you're invincible, you are WOMAN! (okay, maybe Helen Reddy does say it best).

Best to you, your fam, and YOU - sending good vibes across the continent and the ocean.

Polyester Princess said...

I am truly sorry to read this, Curtise, and I can certainly imagine it must be scary starting from scratch, as you put it. It's a big thing indeed, and I think you are very brave embarking on this new path in your life. You will be fine, I'm sure. Thinking of you! xxx

Forest City Fashionista said...

First off, it is so nice to see you back - I've thought about you so many time, and should have taken a moment to let you know that. My heart goes out to you for the turn that your life has taken, but as Vix and Melanie have pointed out, you are strong and capable, and if the life you had was not the life you wanted, then it's time for a new life to begin. I'm going to be 55 this year, which sometimes sounds so fucking old to me I can't believe it, but it's not, really. And neither is 52. You can have a new beginning at any point in your life, and this is yours. You've raised the kids well, they will be ok, as will you - you've got lots of people who care about you.

Laurie Duncan said...

Glad to see you back Curtise! I'm sorry to hear about your separation, but I know you can handle anything! I can't really imagine starting all over, but I know you have what it takes. And I want to offer any moral support I can, even though I live so far away. You look as fabulous as ever by the way! Xoxo :)

Natalia Lialina said...

My dear Curtise, first of all let me tell you how much I've missed your presence! I am so happy to see your blogpost again! The photo with kids is priceless! Your outfits are fierce!

Separation is never easy, but it is possible to do it in a caring way, just as you say. I know it feels hard and scary now. It's such a blessing that you have true friends who love you. There are also things that surround you, familiar things that people don't tend to even notice such as your home country, your native language, your familiar culture. All of them, even if you don't realize it, comfort you in their own invisible way. All of that is also love.

I think that the hardest thing is always to believe in ourselves. To believe in our ability to create the life that we want - the happiness that we want! But you can do it! You have everything you need for it. You are a talented, passionate, warmhearted, wise and beautiful woman, Curtise. There is lots of wonderfulness in store for you! Here is to the new beginning, my dear! Sending you lots of love and warmest hugs!

Tami Von Zalez said...

My heart goes out to you. The pain you are experiencing is clearly shown in your visage.
May you and your children stay strong. The blogging community loves you!

Suzanne Carillo said...

I'm very sorry to hear about the turn of events in your life. I know so many people who are going through similar changes right around the same age as you.

Plus 50 is the age of reinvention! You are so full of possibilities and moreover, you are FIERCE woman!!!

We've missed you here.

Keep pushing forward. Sending you positive vibes and pug hugs! (the very best kind)

bisous
Suzanne

Ivy Black said...

Fuck.
You are bloody awesome you are, one of the most amazing women I know.
You will tear it a new one, love don't worry about that.
Brilliant to have you back...have missed you heaps.
Oh, yeah by the way....LEGS!!!

Will email...my phone is "forever" dead and I'm too lazy to get one sorted before the end of the month.
Give us a shout...chips n' Porn Stars are on me.
Loves ya.
xxxxxxx

PinkCheetahVintage said...

I'm going through the same thing. Want to pm me about it sometime? It's just such a massive change---I totally understand.

Judy C said...

So much to say and so little. I hope for you, and I've seen your innovative nature. I truly believe you will be fine.

Lynn Holland said...

Now I've put my heart and stomach back where they should be after the shock of your news can I tell you how awesome I think you are. My mum split from my dad when I was 18, my sister 8 and my brother 13 we survived and never stopped loving each other. It'll be tough but you can do it, all of you. Believe in you and what you have to offer. Remember to take care of yourself and don't forget to laugh.
lots of love Lynn xxx

Porcelina said...

I was so pleased to get your little comment on my blog just now and rushed over here to see if you'd posted any snazzy outfits. Well, you did, but you also wrote incredibly well about what is I imagine a tough situation - I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Believing in yourself is the best thing you can ever do for yourself, so it sounds like you're well equipped for this uncharted territory you're about to head off into. Thinking of you, and sending positive vibes xx

Louise McDonagh said...

I'm so sorry to hear things are in upheaval for you. The children will do fine, and sometimes you have to go through the hardest journey to arrive at the best destination. Xx

SAM said...

I love reading your post again, and sorry that life is putting on a whole new season for you. I read Vix's reply, and she so nailed it. time for you to live a full life, embrace the big wide open world, and know you have people near and far, even if just virtual, that will prop you up when needed, and share an adventure with you when you both do!

Natural Medley said...

Letting go the familiar hand holds can leave you with vertigo for a moment, but soon you will find new places to grip that will become familiar and safe. Don't second guess yourself...just keep on being the badass you are! This is the beginning of firmer footing even if you don't feel it yet. March on my dear, in those snazzy shorts and tights. Clearly your fashion good sense has not abandoned you! Much love and hugs, xo Jazzy Jack

Connie said...

Oh my gosh! My dear Curtise has returned. I had a feeling that there was something brewing. Life just has a way of kicking us around, doesn't it? But here you are. Just as beautiful and full of life as ever. And your kids will be fine because, well, they're YOUR kids! You're only the BEST Mum around and that is the truth. You know that we all love you and we are so happy to know that you haven't disappeared into bloglivian (though the jury is still out on me) I would LOVE to meet you for a drink and a blab and a laugh and a hug and a cry and a tossing around of some well chosen expletives! Fifty fucking two? Are you kidding me? You are in your prime! Fifty fucking two!!! Heck yeah!

Debberoo said...

My beautiful, strong, fragile, fiercely intelligent, kind and oh so funny Curtise, I'm so happy to see you back blogging! You are such a talent and we have all missed your writing and photos so much.

It's a horrible, sad, crappy, stressful time but you are being true to yourself and ultimately that will bring you and Simon both to brighter times. Wish I could make the journey easier but you are loved by so many and it is all the wonderful qualities that we see in you that will get you through.

Love the photo of you with the children, all the love, they are as fabulous as you!

Now you're back don't you go leaving us again, you make this little corner of the Internet shine.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Jess J said...

Hi Curtise, sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. You're fifty fucking two, and as an old Led Zeppelin song goes, "there's still time to change the road you're on." You are fabulous and it is wonderful that you know your own worth! My thought are with you and your children. Xxx

Goody said...

Oh Curtise I am so sorry life is flinging shit at you. Being in absolutely no position at the moment to offer advice or even a snappy sounding platitude, I'll remind you that you're free to email me whenever you feel the vent-your-spleen need to unload.

Yes, starting off in a new direction at middle age is awful. You'll come through it, and being able to keep it civil for the sake of your children is incredibly hard, but worthwhile. I admire your ability to do so (I'm more of a rage and resentment woman myself).

You've been greatly missed. There's a sidebar full of people thinking of you, and wishing you the very best as you sort through an awful time.

beate grigutsch said...

i was sooo happy to hear from you and now i´m quite shocked....
but my shock is nothing in comparison to the troubles you´v to face!!! i fail finding words.
and wish i would be near you geographical - i would offer you a room in my cottage and a place to rest and sort things out. and would cook you stews and soups :-)
your gorgeous kids are almost grown up - and the change will mature them even more. and i can see how much they love you in that pic from crete!!! it will get better! i know it!
huge hugs! xxxxxxx

Emma Kate at Paint and Style said...

Oh Curtise. I'll message you. xxxx

freckleface said...

Ah, there you are, my lovely. Just slipped back in, looking like an absolute goddess, with the most apposite words. That's our Curtise.
You and Simon have created a gorgeous family together and I know you will continue to work together to give your kids the best you possibly can. We all know life changes, for better and for worse, but you have to follow your heart. 52, eh? Sounds life the perfect age for life to get exciting! Well, looks like we all want to keep you in food and drink. Pint o' lager and a bean burger?! Lovely to have you back. Xxxxx p.s. Is that your birthday blouse? Looks great on you xxx

Sue said...

What can I say to you that hasn't already been said? Some things run their course and come to an end, so now you enter a new stage in your life. Scary? Exciting? Maybe a mixture of both, but I am sure you and your children will all be fine. I wish you all the very best. BUT honey it is so good to have you back in the world of BLOG! You look amazing, and fifty two is nothing, it is after all just a number.

thorne garnet said...

as most of the comments have said, it's good to see your face again. Damn, I have no words of advice to give beyond the "keep strong", "it will be alright" ect that people say. So, here's a very long distance hug.

Mim said...

I'm glad to see you're back, but so sorry to hear of the dreadful time you've been having.

You are a beautiful, fun, caring person, and there will be all sorts of wonderful things in your future. None of your friends would let you go without wonderful things! And your kids will appreciate, and learn from, the way you've handled dramatic life changes with dignity and good manners. Big hugs. You are ace.

Sue @ A Colourful Canvas said...

Dearest Curtise...I've been clicking on your blog from time to time fretting that I may not have received a post update alert. You have been missed!

That being said, I'm so happy to see you. But. Happy seems like the wrong word. I'm sorry that things are not working out with you and Simon. {{{ENORMOUS HUGS}}} It might feel like a bumpy and uncertain road now, but trust that you'll be smooth sailing before long. Fifty-fucking-two.....BAH!

Mrs Bertimus said...

Ive missed you ever so much chuck.
You do know just how much we all think of you in our little cyber community, don't you.
You are such an inspiration and you are such a strong lady. (I hope you don't mind me saying this because we've never met in the real world but I'm not just saying empty words.)
Massive love to you xxx

Veronica Cooke said...

Curtise,

It is so nice to hear from you. I have missed you and your posts.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but it must be the right thing to do otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. As someone who did the same I believe the key to a successful split is to remain civilised and as friendly as is possible for the sake of the children. My ex husband didn't bother with the children once we split up and it certainly had an adverse effect on my son but my daughter coped better with it. They were 11 and 12 at the time.

It is daunting starting out your own but look upon it as a challenge - one that you can rise to. I left with a suitcase of clothes and some books and started again from absolute scratch with two children. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You seem like a strong person so you will cope; it won't be easy but you may find you have whole new lease of life. I wish you the best of luck and if there is anything I can do just let me do know.

xxxx

Veronica
vronni60s.blogspot.com

peaches mcginty said...

I was just thinking about you, and popped over. I really am so sorry to hear about this bloody difficult time, I have no doubt you will all come through swimmingly though. Because you are a wonderful, strong and brilliant woman. And you know what, You are Fifty fucking two and hot. All my love and hugs, Sandra x

Northern mum down South said...

Love and hugs Curtise. Fifty-fucking-two is no age. Jayne xx

Rachel Squirrel said...

Curtise, it was lovely to see your post pop up. I had missed your blogging. It did seem a melancholic last post, even if unintentional.

I know you will hear 'I am sorry' a lot, but is it ok to say I am glad to you - that your children will get two happy fulfilled-or-getting there parents, glad that you know you have many friends, off line and on line.

All best wishes to you and your family. And again , it's lovely to see you x

Trees said...

I'm so happy to see you back! Such big changes in your world, it sounds like you are handling it with grace x

Miss Magpie said...

I was so happy to see your comment on my blog I have really missed you, but what a bitter sweet return. I can only echo the sentiments above. You are an amazing person and an amazing Mum, and whilst I probably understand more than most right now how daunting it can be when life pulls the rug out from under your feet, I know you of all people will take this as an opportunity and just fly. Much love to you all and hopefully see you soon. x

linda warrington said...

Hi cutie. Well sad times but a brighter future is calling you. Poor? Nah Hun read these comments you are a millionaire!! You are strong, brave and very funny!!! And did I mention a good swearer!!!

Huge hugs Linda xxx

Lisa said...

Lovely to see a post from you pop up in my feed, but so very sorry to read about how things have been for you and the children these past few months. Wishing you all happier times ahead.
Lisa x

Kezzie said...

Oh my lovely Curtise! I am so sorry, I typed a comment when I was on the train the other day and then my phone said that it did not support 'Captcha'(the thing where you have to click the pics to verify you are not a robot) so it didn't save.
It is a rotten thing to be in this situation, I cannot imagine the feeling you must be experiencing right now, but do you know what, you are SUCH a strong person-you will make good on this and though things might be hard at first, I just know you will get through it with vivre and brilliance as you do all things...
SO nice to have you back, even if for not the best reason..
xxx

Beth Waltz said...

Welcome back, Curtise! May I join the chorus of supporters who are muttering "ratz!" while singing "on you, 52 looks good!" I'm some years your senior, so I dare to offer unsolicited advice: Take time for yourself. Please. Eat your vegetables, take naps, and as we Yanks say, give yourself plenty of slack. The juggling act isn't easy, but you -- and the youngsters -- will pick it up quickly.

Radostin said...

Like so many others, I was so glad to see you'd posted again, and am so very sorry that life is giving you a hard time. Wishing you and yours all the best and good luck for your new start.

Mother of Reinvention said...

I am so happy that you are back blogging, you have been sorely missed, but am really sad to hear that life is dealing you a rough hand at the moment. It must be very hard for you shaking free off the life and the person that you have been and becoming something new. You might be fifty-fucking-two but you are also fucking fabulous; a great loving mum and a warm, witty and stylish woman about to start living life on her own terms. Transition is bloody hard but it will be worth it. Remember not to try to be all things to everyone at the moment and to be kind to yourself. Sending a ridiculous amount of love and best wishes. Xx

Kelly J said...

Oh Curtise, I'm so sorry to read of your situation and the pain it's causing you.

I had a little scare tonight and needed comfort and you know what? I thought of you. First time I've popped by here in months and months. I hope all the heartfelt comments above help somehow - sometimes it's just good to know you're loved, admired - and yes, even needed - by people outside your every day life. And clearly you are. All of us are rooting for you. Any one who can put together an outfit the way you do has got the smarts, the guts, and the resourcefulness to go out there, grab the world by the balls, and rock it ... at fifty-fucking-two! Everything you've written about believing in yourself - you've nailed it. If only we could all be so wise. Sending love and healing thoughts for you, and your fam. Xox

Jean at www.drossintogold.com said...

We told you we'd wait for you. And here you are, the Curtise we love and embrace. I thought of you many times, as I'm sure others did as well. My children were 5 and 7 when I split with their dad. The hardest thing I ever did, but in my case, no regrets. They are now 29 and almost 31, good human beings living their own lives. I still dream about them as children, experiencing pangs of remorse and fear. But really, they are okay.

You are a brave soul, a loving mother, and a creative spirit. Along with your other friends, I am here to support you in any way I can. I'm so glad to see you. Take care of yourself. Know that the trajectory isn't smooth or predictable, and that you will survive, as will the children. Love you so much. xoxoxo

Nia Wyn Lloyd said...

I did it at 42 - albeit without children but I did it and you can too! Embrace your 'new' self.....independence will open a whole new life for you. Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm really glad you are back - I love your blog!

Ulla-Marie Nilsson said...

That birthday outfit!

Pull Your Socks Up! said...

You're a goddamn legend Curtise. Bloody love your style. And legs!!!! You know you'll make it work. I know you'll make it work. And so do the kids. Love ya babe. xoxoxoxo

señora Allnut said...

dear lady, I've missed your posts and your awesome style!. I think that your children are going to be ok and you're going to go through this situation due to all your fabulous attitude.
You're brilliant!
besos

BadPenny said...

I've missed you & popped over to see if you were back imagining you had been so busy at the shop that Blogging had to take a back burner.
I am sad to hear your news. I'm supporting a friend going through this at fifty fucking seven. I hope you have someone who will let you rant, cry and eventually laugh again.

We are here for you xx

Olga Rani said...

Oh, so sorry to hear about your separation dear Curtise! I believe it is one of the saddest things in life, when two people who used to love each others, have to go different paths at some moment, whatever the reason. But I also believe in new beginnings, whatever the age.

Indigo Violet said...

Well like you I haven't blogged for ages, life just seems to take over sometimes... sorry to hear about your circumstances but I know you'll get through it. Sending hugs.

50 and counting said...

Glad to see you return.

Life has paths no one ever forsees.

But if needed, I have a shovel and I'm sure if you need help in burying a body or two, bloggers will help you.

diaryofapennypincher said...

Crikey! I was so excited to see a blog post from you Curtise, and my heart sank for you when I read it. When life decides to slap you in the face, it really does sting. I have no words of wisdom to offer, I'm the world's worst at coping with any sort of change or crisis, but I'm sure if anyone can plough through shit and find happiness, it'll be you. You go, girl, and find that life you deserve, and we are with you all the way xxx

The Director of Awesome said...

Curtise, I am so sorry and I have been there! Including being the one who moved out of the family home and not knowing if I would have enough money to support myself. I was 42 when this happened and had been married for 22 years. I didn't know if I was going to have to move in with my parents and that didn't feel like something I wanted to do at that age. You are still young relatively speaking, and although this will be hard and uncomfortable you will survive it and then you will go on to thrive. I'm sending you hugs and wishing you all the best. xoxo

The Vintage Knitter said...

Hello Curtise and its lovely to see you back here. So sorry to read about how things have been for you, Simon and your kids though, but at least you have three gorgeous youngsters who love you very much (its easy to see from all the photos you have posted of them) and with them by your side you'll see things through. Take care xxx

Trish said...

Oh Curtise, I am so so sorry for what you're going through. But you have 3 beautiful children and you are a beautiful person and only 52 so you will be okay. Believe things will work out for you - you're starting an incredibly scary and exciting journey but it will lead you to the happy life you deserve. I'm glad you're back and if you need to cry or howl know that we are all here for you. If you were here in the States I'd scoop you up and drive to a lounge and say let all the good looking church mice start buying drinks for us.

Angel Banks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lynn Hasty said...

Curtise, I am so sorry. I could write a book here. You may remember me as DylansDress, but I have always had my older blog AMothersJournal, and AMJ is the one I have kept all these years. Anyway, I left a verbally abuse marriage after 23 years. I was 47. Started over. Lost my home, my garden -- oh my beloved garden! Pets, belongings, clothes, you name it! Take care of you. You are beautiful and there is still life ahead! Love yourself and make a life that you love, one day at a time!
xoxo
Lynn

Melancholy and Menace said...

Curtise, I'm only just reading about this and am so sorry you've had to carry the weight of a separation on your shoulders. I hope all is going well in your new home. Yvonne xx